Just grow your own
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To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Cannot stop laughing at this
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.