me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car