Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
the icebreaker
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.