wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine