whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.