What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
next question.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.