Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
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casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)