I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
You Might Also Like
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.