#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.