ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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🤣dope
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.