Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
You Might Also Like
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.