i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right