boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.