Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My circle of trust is a meatball
Saw online –
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“How’s your day going?”
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank