They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
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Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.