Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
The first matador
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!