Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Strangers have the best candy.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?