Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I just tested negative for patience.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)