“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.