The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often