doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
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Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
This is I, Robot all over again
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.