The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]