[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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the only bumper sticker ill allow
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”