ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.