Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
monday
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My time has come.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?