Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
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Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE