Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.