The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
concern
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism