People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it