Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
my first day as a raccoon
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Hilarious if literal: arms race
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.