Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”