Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Y’all ready for this
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*