something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
🏙👨🏼
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks