Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Mornin
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes