Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
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911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Are you ok, human???
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.