My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Zack Greinke stories are the best
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
the rocks need my help
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?