People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Favourite diary entry ever
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”