♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
The smoothest fall of all time
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon