Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.