modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
For the ones in the back.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
me after drinking all the wine:
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it