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So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?