Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
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ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
happy valentine’s day to me
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.