My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Last-minute gift idea!
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.