If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
that de-escalated quickly
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.