Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.