“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE