Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]