If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.