I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
You Might Also Like
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
*limbos under the caution tape
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.