Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?